Rik-Kidlat Thinks . . .

your last day

2011-06-14T23:04:00.004-05:00

I was bothered by some thing this morning then got to think of an office friend.
Called her and she got my vibe and said "if something's bothering you, think of today as the last day of your life then see how you would deal with what's bothering you".

I did as she said and soon after I was in tears.
Yes, I cried.

I remembered my mom and the last conscious day of her life.
It was Christmas night 2008.
She had a fatal stroke after dinner.

Let me go back a bit.
A few days before Christmas I called and asked her what she wanted for a gift.
Told me a tube of toothpaste would be fine.
Yes, I was surprised. I asked her to think about it.
She told me she could not think of anything and that a specific brand of toothpaste would do just fine.
I asked her again.
Then she said "I would be happy just to see you and be with you on Christmas".

Truth was I did not feel like making it to the Christams dinner my sisters had planned.
That's another story for another day.
I found myself with my mom and my sisters that night.

And I think my mom was happy but tired as she had been cooking that day.
But I think she was happy and I did get to be with her.
And I still have the tube of toothpaste she asked for.

Today could have been the last day of my life and yes, my day turned out to be a better day.

you're cool, rob lowe

2011-01-08T22:24:00.003-06:00

I was at a Borders bookstore this morning when I noticed someone walking my way.
I took a glance at the same time he took a glance at me and we exchanged smiles.
Then I realized I knew him, not personally, so I just blurted "I know you !"
He glanced back at me with a smile and a thumbs up sign.
The look and the smile he gave me came with an unspoken acknowledgment and message : "don't give me away".
And I guess the smile I flashed back told him his secret was safe with me.

It all happened in less than a minute and yet so much was said in those few moments.

you're cool, rob lowe !

yes, I like you too.

IF NOT NOW . . .

2010-11-15T03:33:00.005-06:00

If today is
not the right time to do
what you
have the opportunity to do something
you've long thought of doing,
then When ?

If today is not the day to take that first step,
then When ?

If today is not the day, then When ?

The next time
you may be thinking of doing something,
it might be thoughts of opportunities lost or
worse,
of not being able to do anything about it.

If not now, WHEN ?

THE BEST

2010-11-13T04:52:00.005-06:00

Once you find the best, you just can not go back, go back to what you once thought was, the best.

And there's no going back, only moving forward, only constantly on the look out for the best.
Some times you do it on your own. Some times a friend takes you by the hand.
And with eyes open, ears perked up or taste buds waiting for the next flavor to announce itself on your tongue, you just can not wait for the next one.

The best - found a lot of them in the people I meet and get to keep as friends.
Found them in the food I ingest, in the clothes I decide to wrap myself in and in the sound system which could be among the most expensive purchases you make.
And people think you're a bit crazy or ridiculous to go with it.
I say you only live once and don't you think you deserve the best.
Otherwise, why ?

Yes, Ihave been lucky to have found some of the best and at times I have been the best, and it's not about bragging, just knowing.
But I am still evolving and still trying to be my best.

This is not about me.
It is also about you and you know you also have your bests.
I can only try to be the best and at times I will be.
And other times, you will be or you will find your bests.
Or think you have.
As I have. (As I have been asked once in a while why I know.)

wish i had met you then too

2010-05-23T22:38:00.004-05:00

met someone at a bookstore this afternoon and it's only now at the close of another day that i got to appreciate what he said as he was leaving - i wish i had met you then.

i don't want to make it about me but about how we affect other people or how people perceive us through what we tell them or the thoughts we share with them.

okay, i'll admit that it made me feel good.
but not at the moment that he said it.
just tonight and it could not have come at a better time.
cause i had a not so good week and what he said just made me accept the bad with the good things which also happened in the same week.

and if only one person gets to read this post, i know she would understand what this is all about. for she is in my life right now for whatever reasons we need to be together - not only for myself but also for herself.

i will backtrack a bit about why this person i spent a very short time at the bookstore made me do this post. he had asked me to recommend a book he could give a friend as a gift for graduation. he said he wanted a book which was somewhat "deep" but not that difficult to read.
so i told him about just one book, and yes, it's currently being read by this girl in my life right now. and without asking for a second one he decided to buy it.

does it make sense now that i would decide to do this post ?

how many people would take our word without even knowing us ?
then again maybe i did make an impression on him ?
but consider this - we got to know just a bit more about each other after he had paid for the book.
and as he was leaving he blurted out how he wished he had known me when i was living in the place he's going back to (and where he would be living cause he's from there).

thank you, bandar. wish i had met you then too. but your saying it has made me appreciate the past week's bad and good moments.

and, yes, i got to see the last few moments of "lost" and just enough to know what it was all about.

TURNED OFF but not Tuned Out

2010-03-14T19:33:00.008-05:00

No, I'm not off.

I've just slowly weaned myself off television.
I still keep it on most of the time but I do a lot more finger flicking on the remote to tune out or turn away from shows which feature SO-CALLED EXPERTS, on politics, SPECIALLY, who really just have their own inane, self-promoting ideas which don't help anyone but themselves.
So, if you know so much, what have you done for me, for us lately ?
Oh right, if you did know what to do about life's daily little messes, you would not be guesting on shows. Yes, yes, you have to guest, that's how you make your money and show other people they're not as "brainy" (sad ass brainy) as you are.

Then there are shows which basically INSULT ONE'S INTELLIGENCE, I am surprised they're still on. Oh yeah, there are a lot of people out there who DON'T GET IT. Sorry, the boat left a long time ago.

Yes, I keep the television on : to catch snippets of intelligent news reproting and just to know what to wear. No, no not from the celebrity or style shows. It's the weather guessers' I watch.
I want to know what I should wear from their "ability" to forecast how it's gonna feel outside. I already know how I am going to feel.

So you ask (or wonder) whom I watch or listen to.
It's the man (or woman, or child) on the street whom I observe or luckily get to share their story.
It's the real thing, not some made for TV (money) plot.
And I learn a lot (or a needed laugh) from.
It's not passive. There and then I get to do something better than sitting (or lying) in front of a TV I can't talk back to or get a reaction from.
It's live, it's REAL life and it's Free.
For all those times I did not get the chance to or I forgot to tell you how much I gained from allowing me a conversation or interaction :
Thank you !

It's Not WHY? It's WHY NOT ?

2010-03-06T19:48:00.003-06:00

You read right.
It's not WHY ?
It's WHY NOT ?

It's about having a dream and believing in it.
You know what it's like. You have an idea and someone tells you it's not going to work.
For some reason, you may be told it was done before and it didn't come out the way it was expected to.

You know better though and you go ahead and do what you have to do to make it happen.
And it does.

Or do you ?
It's Not WHY ?
It' WHY NOT ?

Why you think do I know. What do you think I know ?
I know because I had a number of dreams come true.
And, yes,they started as daydreams. Yes, daydreams.
But they were the seeds. And once I planted these "seeds" in my head they started to grow.
And the universe seemed to know and over time, the wheels started to turn and the dreams came true.

It's Not WHY ?
It's Why NOT ?

Not just another $10.00 bill

2009-11-15T17:30:00.005-06:00

Picked up a ten dollar bill a couple of weeks ago.
I looked around for the person who had unknowingly dropped it but there was no one near me or the place I picked up the bill from.

And so I decided to keep it for good luck.

Well, it came in handy today and turned out to be "lucky"for someone who needed it.

I was at the airport this afternoon when this guy came up to me and asked me if I could help him. He didn't look dangerous enough to worry me so I asked how I might be of help.
Turned out he needed ten dollars for a reason I won't go into detail except to say it was (or sounded like) a valid one to me.

Gave him the bill I had picked up and told him it was probably really meant for him.
After all, how many people could have come up to me since I found it and asked for exactly the amount.

Just another $10.00 bill.

Lying, Honestly !

2009-09-21T22:35:00.005-05:00

It happened this morning at work.
I counted at least five of the women in the office get new hairstyles, including the one working nearest me.
I told her that her newly permed hair looked good on her.
I let the remark settle in, let her enjoy the idea that another person liked the way her hair looked on her.

And then I told her that I was also known to lie.

Insecurity

2009-07-03T05:48:00.003-05:00

A news item on the early morning news brought this about.
There was a multi level parking garage in some city in a southern state which collapsed yesterday and in the process flattened 45 cars.

Life, it's filled with uncertainty. And yet we manage to get on going back to what we have to do.
We have to.

Anyway, let me segue into the title of this post.
I have some married female friends (don't we all ?).
And I have a female officemate who's been married to her husband for so many years and they're still very much together with no plans of splitting up. Not that there seems to be a reason to. Imagine my surprise when my office friend told me one day that her husband was the jealous kind, after telling me of his infidelity. DUH !
Okay, so it was a one time thing and they have gotten over it. Still., she can't be seen with other men unless they were related. WHAT ? (I thought that just was a custom in a Middle Eastern country.)

What are their husbands scared of ? That they would have an affair, given the chance.
How well do they know their wives ?
How well do they know themselves ?
And there was this moment of insight for me. Some men (I hope just a small number. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part) are really just an insecure bunch of idiots.
But I think, other then GREED, the other underlying reason for most of the troubled times we live in is really just due to a basic "troubled" state of mind men have - INSECURITY !

Enough said for now. Go think and figure it out for yourself. Maybe I'm wrong. Then again, look around you.

Moment of Clarity

2009-02-08T22:38:00.007-06:00

Been wanting to write about this moment when the words forever and eternally made sense to me.

It happened soon after my mom passed. I was the first in our family to see her body at the funeral home. I did not expect that I would be the one. I guess it was just meant to be. One of brothers in law had told me of how traumatizing it could be. Because for him it was a moment when you finally come to grips with your loved one's death. You know for sure that he or she is gone - forever.

I arrived at the funeral home where the funeral director led me to where my mom was and found the florist and his assistant still working on the floral arrangements. They left to allow me some private time with my mom.

And so it happened. I found myself alone with her in a coffin. Surreal, not really.
I took a good look at her while holding her hands.
What was surreal was the moment when I realized what the words forever and eternally meant.
My mom was gone - physically. But she would live and be with me forever, till I have my memory intact. That was the first time evrything I had heard about those two words made perfect sense to me and I finally undertood what they meant.

And so I "spoke" to my mom, said my goodbye and told her things which I could only say to her and know she'd understand. I remember telling her that I'd be seeing her, maybe not so soon, then again, maybe not. I told her I'd be fine. And then I said a prayer for her.

I turned around and found I had been alone in the room with her. The funeral director and the florists had closed the room behind me and I didn't notice that they did. So I opened the door and let them in. They uttered their condolences, the florists firt and then the funeral director.

Okay, here's where a fun part begins. Just soon after the funeral director said his words of condolence, I told him that the body in the coffin was not my mom.
I meant to say that it was just the body of my mom, not the mom I had known and spent a life with. But of course it sounded different to him.
You should have seen the look on his face change from one of feeling empathy for me to one of "oh, no ! then whose body is that one of ?"
I immediately noticed it and told him what I really meant. And then of course, his demeanor slowly returned to what it was earlier, if not showing a sign of relief. After all, I had told him so calmly "that's not my mom !"

And I kind of felt bad for making him "freak out", even if it was for a minute or less. I offered to get him a drink, if he was old enough to get an alcoholic one. He looked pretty young to be one. And he told me that he was really old enough, early 20's, and that he got into the job early on.

I explained to him what I meant and told him that I thought he might have been in similar situations he had just found himself in. I'm sure he'd see more if he stays in the the same job.

But during those moments I spent with my mom, taking it in by myself, evrything made sense to me and there was indeed that Moment of Clarity, that moment where I seemed to have lost my fear of the uncertainty of life. I realized that one day it would come to me, it would be my turn to leave behind the life I am living now and just be "no one"

Unread Eulogy

2009-01-18T04:06:00.003-06:00

My mother passed away Sunday, January 11.
She was 78, was married and loved her husband for 58 years.
The marriage was blessed with 5 children and the usual other stuff which come with a family of differing leanings. In spite of it all, the bottom line, the glue which held it together and sustained it at the end of the day was something invisible but came out when it was needed most - Love.
And I am not saying it with sentimentality. If you could read, you should be able to figure it out.

Anyway, a couple of my siblings had told me, as they were making funeral arrangements, that I would be assigned the task of eulogizing my mom if it came up. I was not worried about the eulogy, I was worried about how if I would be able to do it without breaking down. Luckily, I did not have to.

So here is most of what I had written (with a little help from a colleague at work).

First of all, I THANK EVERY ONE who came and helped us out in our time of loss and mourning, including all who called or e-mailed their thoughts and concern.

This is a sad day for our family and for the people who held my mother dear to them, including her siblings and the friends she made and kept close to her heart if they could not be physically close to her as well as other people she came into contact with and got to know her.

Some of you here today have only come to know my mom through us - that is my dad, myself and my siblings. I wish you had come to know her as we and our relatives and the friends she made had known her. You would have been able to enjoy her cooking and her little tidbits on food and life which she was lucky enough to have learned and shared through her 78 years.

I am sure you will remember the good moments you shared with my mom as I am about to share with you some things you may have known (or not) about her and the family she loved and shared her life with.

Let me start with my dad whom she married when she was just 20 and he was 21. Their marriage had its share of ups and downs just like most marriages but I think the 58 years they were together shows that they had more ups than downs. And their union was blessed with 5 children whom I hope brought them the family they hoped for.

My mom's passion for cooking my sister Josephine has picked up on. She has as well picked up my mom's need to keep her home spotlessly clean, specially the bathrooms and the kitchen.

And my mom's love for shopping my sister Jocelyn ishared and indulged her in, even bringing my mom out on a cold winter's day to the mall because my mom felt cooped up at home one time.

My mom liked the way my sister Rosana, whom my parents named after my grandmother Rosa, as she bore a close resemblance to her, could come up with tasty meals cooked on a moments notice. My mom also liked that Rona always had something for eveyone she cared about even if she didn't have enough for herself.

Her desire for higher education, she lived vicariously through my sister Ana Lisa. She also admired Lisa's fashion sense and liked her for her fairness and generosity.

My mom influenced my sisters' ways of dressing but in her later years she picked up trends and advice from them.

I think by now you are wondering what I'm going to say about myself. I will let this eulogy say it for me. I will tell you this - my siblings just like my parents have always looked out for me. sometimes, my siblings act more like my parents. I want you and them to know that I appreciate it even if some times I seem to prove otherwise. Just like my mom and dad, they are irreplaceable.

Allow me to share with you something about me and my mom. She rarely scolded me or my siblings and it was usually about school work or our prayers or our grooming when we were growing up. My mom was all love and Dad, I'm sorry I have to admit this but I felt worse on those rare occasions that mama would give me a scolding than those times you used the harshest words on me. Dad, I won't forget that you taught me not to forget the bad, the sad things and times we encounter so that they would guide me in making decisions. I won't forget. And neither will I forget Mama, her love for me, for us all. She will always be with me, with us until that day when we are called to join her.

Lastly, I want :
1) my nephews and nieces to know that my mom has always loved them as much as she loved their parents;
2) my mom's aunt, siblings, and nephews and nieces that they were always in my mom's thoughts and prayers.

This may be a sad moment for us all but I would rather you remember it as a happy moment as well. Sad because we are losing a loved one and happy for the life we were allowed to share with her. I am sure my mother was happy that as she was being called away her husband and children were with her in her final moments. I am sure she is happily watching us as we gather to say goodbye to her or rather her earthly life, a life in which she gave her love and her best to all of us.

What Are The Chances

2008-05-29T04:22:00.002-05:00

Accompanied my mom quite early yesterday morning for a medical procedure one of her doctors advised her to get done.

I had to wait for a couple of hours which the medical facility made me do so in a well thought of area for family members and/or friends of their patients.

I got lucky. The time went by quite quickly after I was joined in the room by the husband of one of the patients and we got into a conversation about the news (and what is covered, and not, by the news or the people who report them) and also a bit about ourselves and our experiences.

The thing about the patient's husband ( I feel bad we didn't bother getting each other's names)was that I would not have talked to him had we not been in the same room. Well, it is quite normal behaviour to just pass people by on the street as you walk or drive by.

And I'm glad we had our conversation. We both learned something new (or not), and not just about ourselves. (At least I hope he did.)

For starters, he thought I was someone other than what I looked like to him. It came up later in our conversation. Didn't bother me a bit. It just proved that we have different perceptions and if we only took the time we would be able to correct ourselves and resolve issues without resorting to weirder forms of behaviour, i.e. the recent Scott McClellan disclosures about you know who and you know what. BIG SURPRISE ! !

Yes, politics was a topic. Actually, it was how our conversation started. But, unlike so many others, we were able to move on to other topics without knowing what our political leanings were. There are more important things to be bothered with (or by). As in the price of gas and old cars. He said he had a couple which he maintains and gets to use occasionally cause we never get past the age of 18 (or 19). There, another point of agreement - our bodies age, not our minds (or state of mind).

Yes, the reason both of us were in the same room was also something we talked about and moved on from. No one wants to be sick. It's much like age. Once we get born we don't have much of a choice. We'll just have to grow and mature and age as we go along and deal with it. Well, that's how it is for some. And you've seen and will continue to see others who don't think so.

And we moved on to the MAFIAs of the current world. They're not gone. They've just gone into other things and gotten themselves legitimized as in the oil companies and the credit card companies.

We talked about places we grew up in as well as places we spent part of our lives in, including places we would not want to revisit. And yet we acknowledged that these were the places which made us what or who we are. They would always be with us wherever and with whoever we were. And maybe even share them with a total stranger in a place where we come to heal (or get healed).

We were two different people with our own unique set of problems and issues, likes and dislikes, joys and pains. So unlike what goes in day in day out, and not only in most political arenas. Unfortunately, people would rather go for their own selfish agendas rather than see the really common agendas people have.

So, what are the chances ? Why can't most people take the chance/s of a simple conversation from which much can be learned and get things done or issues resolved, UNEMOTIONALLY ? We're all just passing thru, passing time and wanting the same things even if we have different ways of wanting (or getting) them.

What are the chances ?

Just Another Day

2008-05-04T15:22:00.004-05:00

Just another day, another weekend day. Today.

So, being one nice spring day with the sun out and a gentle breeze, I went out to do some yard work. The neighbors were doing likewise. The male neighbors mostly.

But the neighbor in the back and I got into a very short conversation because of his pooch. She had wandered into our yard and I guess it was her way of finding out who I was. She seemed to want to know more about me than me and the neighbor wanted to know about each other.

Yes, I found out she was a she cause her name was GRACE. Know any male named Grace, let me know. Anyway, I found something out about the neighbor other than the fact that our yards were home to a lot of poison ivy. Tell my arms about it. They met a week ago. I wish I met the neighbor then. I would have asked him to get rid of them for me. WHY ? Turns out he ISN'T ALLERGIC to POISON IVY, by some quirk of genetics. or something.

Let me segue into other male territory, this time between father and son, my dad and me.
Found out something about him only recently after a lifetime of avoiding a lot of stuff as well as sharing a lot of grief when the unavoidable happened. But we have a relationship. We talk when we have to which isn't often now cause we live thousands of miles from each other.

Okay, now you know some background, let me cut to the story. He was visiting with us weeks ago and we were having a conversation about SOMETHING OTHER THAN MONEY.
Yes, MONEY, the other five letter word synonymous with another five letter word.
No not GREED. GRIEF.
Yes, the three are synonymous. And they are all about wanting more money if not just plain wanting it.

Anyway, this is not about why they're synonymous. It's more about how my dad and I are connected without really appreciating it sometimes. Money came into the conversation because we got to talking about his expenses. He now lives on fixed income so there's not much wiggle room when some unexpected expense rears its ugly head. But he wasn't worried, not in the same way we younger people worry. It comes with age this thing about worrying less. You know more about what not to worry about. Besides, worry or not, we all won't get out of life alive.

Again, let me get back to what REALLY came out of the conversation. He said that he noticed that he would somehow get the money he needed when or just before he needed it most.
He couldn't explain why or how. He just got what he needed without asking anyone for it.
My dad is not religious, nor is he an atheist. He believes in God but he just doesn't bother praying or going to church as most people do, even in the darkest of moments I've seen him go through.

Okay, so here's the thing. I also have moments when I need a bit more than I have or am expecting. And then, just when I think I'd just go bite the bullet, I find out I don't have to. I get what I need without the hassle of worrying I had put myself through. So there, go figure. It makes me believe in what I have read or heard some people say - that the universe will provide what you need when you need it if you let your need be known. Really. I am not trying to go for weird but that's just the way some things turn out to be and for good.

Two unrelated events on two ordinary days. You wonder sometimes why certain things happen when they happen. I didn't ask to find out nor did I seek out the information. I didn't know anyone immune from poison ivy. Didn't know about my dad's "secret" without my asking. Just like something someone said long ago, that you will find your teacher when you are ready.

Just another day !

A House by the Sea (I Remember, Benj)

2008-05-03T18:37:00.009-05:00

This isn't just about a house by the sea. Nor is it just about good memories of it.

This is about a friendship and not with one person but with a whole family. I haven't seen or heard from anyone of them lately but it doesn't matter. I know where to find them and I know all I have to do is show up at their door. I know I will be let in and welcomed just like so many times before. And I would say goodbye as I leave again and we would live our lives like we did not need each other.

I'm not writing about a church or a place of refuge but the places they chose to live their ordinary days as well as those not so - their place in the city and their place by the sea - could very well be. I haven't been to either but I know they are still there.
And they always will be - until I lose my memory.

I won't mention any names except the one in the title of this post.

It started as most things do, without incident. I was in college and a friend just casually introduced me to one of the sons of a former senator, one with unsullied reputation, which is why he probably lost the last time he ran and he left it at that. I'm glad he did. I'm sure he did too.

The senator's son bumped into me sometime later and made a casual comment about how I dressed then, pretty much the way I still do, stylish rather than faddish. A conversation led to an invitation for dinner at their place where I met the senator's wife and a couple of my soon to be friend's other siblings. Nothing extraordnary really except that I got to know the rest of the family and got to be friends with most of them eventually.

Okay you get the idea - a friendship started and, in spite of some usual "unfriendly" incidents, continues. We finished college and joined the rat race. I found myself having dinner with them at least once a week. At least once a week, cause one of the siblings would ask me to. I shared confidences, as well as joys and pains, not only with my friend but his other siblings as well, even his mom. We would find out what was going on with whom and know that whatever we talked about would not be spoken of elsewhere.

So, the family had a place by the sea, four hours north of their place in the city. I had seen it before I even knew them. A high school classmate had a place very close to it. And yes I got invited not just once and not by just my friend but by almost everyone in their family. And it was always so good to spend the weekend, and even ordinary days, getting away from the day to day trivialities.

It was their place to get away to and to recharge and it became mine as well.
All I had to do was ask and I was NEVER turned down. Whenever I needed to get away from the demands of a crazy work week, or just wanted to get away. All I had to do was ask or show up and I had a room or ithe caretaker would indeed take care of me. Okay, I know what you're probably thinking - freeloader. It happened once - my friend felt bad I was spending too much time with his siblings and next thing I know his siblings got wind of what he had told his mom and they stood up for me. And yes, we're still friends.

And I just remembered it today. I always remember it whenever I have moments - Moments of joy, moments of unease (as against disease, dis-ease), moments I wish I were somewhere else doing something else. And, yes, being with some other person or people. Yes, I have those moments and when they do come I think about the beach in Caba and the house by it. I had my moments, good and bad, in it. But ALL of them matter and make sense when everything seems senseless some moments, some days.

It would have gone on and on had I not decided to take up an overseas job offer. I just had to spend time there days before I left. I had to say goodbye to the youngest sibling, Benj, who was then spending time there. I will not forget that weekend.

The family knew I was leaving and knew I wanted to spend the weekend there. I had told Benj about the job earlier but not about my accepting it. So I just had to go and tell him. He knew I was leaving but didn't know I was coming to say goodbye.

I arrived late in the day and the caretaker got him for me. I waited on the beach, watching the sunset, standing with a wistful look on the horizon. Then I heard him - "There's only one person I know who can stand that way, anywhere and I'll know it's him." Then a tight hug. And the weekend just flew by, the two of us and an afternoon with one of his fishermen friends making me want to stay. He voiced his concern that I would not come back. I did. And I always return to the same place by the sea, even after some of the people I spent time with there have passed on.

I remember, Benj. I haven't forgotten, never will.
I know you know. I know your dad and your sister knew.
I have my memories. I know the house in the city and the house by the sea are still there, not just housing people but memories as well. And I know both houses have gone through changes over time. Just like we had our own changes and additions (and Losses) in our lives.

And we could always go back to the sea and the house by it, not only in times we want to.
I will come back and I know you will be there, no questions asked, just like the sea.
All I have to do is show up.

It's All Self Made

2008-04-29T06:19:00.002-05:00

If you look at what 's going on out there, you would wonder (I had wondered) why people react the way they have to what directly affects them, as in the continuing spiral of gas prices and the shortage of basic grains in some areas of the planet.

It's driven by fear and greed. And it's all Self Made.

People buy every sack of rice they could find at some of the stores. I said some (as in the so-called warehouse, asian or "specialty" stores) because that's how I've seen it.
Because if you go to the other usual stores (as in your day to day grocery stores or supermarket chain stores), you'd find rice. You'd find what other else you need without needing the sense of panic to get you to buy more than what you need.

A friend from a country which "religiously" monitors its bloggers, once told me what really causes most, if not all, the problems humankind encounters was a five letter word.
He asked me first and only after I gave him a couple of wrong "guesses" did he tell me the word was GREED. And then he made his case. This incident, this "awakening" happened years and years ago, where I least expected someone to think in such a way. Then again, at one time the country we had found a friendship in was far ahead anyone in terms of discoveries scientific and economic. Until some people found religion a good tool to make use of in going after their intentions of GREED. They found out they could use another instinct, FEAR, to get what they wanted.

And what happened then continues today and it will go on as long as there are humans on the planet. So, it should come as no surprise to most that life will go on as we know it no matter what new discoveries or advancements in science and day to day technology come along.

I think Fear is good cause it drives us to do things to protect ourselves and make sure we have what we need. But don't let it override everything you do because it eventually will turn out to be something baser, as in GREED. And we'll all be headless chickens running around as most of us are now. Slow down and think of what you're doing. People before us have been through this and we're still here, learning that we still have a stupid streak in us.
(You twentysomethings should listen to TWENTYSOMETHING by Jamie Mc Collum cause I was twenty something once and I know how it feels. Miss the energy but I'm glad I've moved past it.)

Oh yeah, and if nobody reads my blog, I couldn't care less. Someone will . And someone will leave a comment, good or bad. Doesn't matter. I've said what I wanted to say. And it's out there. Just like the other blogs I've stumbled upon and read and will continue to read. Not all of them are good. But if you take the time you will find some really good stuff in them. I guess it's like panning for gold. Sooner or later you will find a nugget, if not nuggets.

It's all Self Made.

Trees

2008-01-17T09:06:00.000-06:00

i consider myself lucky to be able to see trees outside the bedrooms i have had in the past few years.

they bring me back to days past when i lived the wild life my teenage years brought with it.
i have no regrets about those days.
i was in and out of school then for a couple of years.
in and out of our home as well.
my dad couldn't put up with my long hair, my friends, the drugs and the booze and my craziness.

some lessons learned came out of it which i carry, my baggage.

there was a short period when i lived with some prostitutes.
didn't meet them where they did their work. i had friends who were their boyfriends.
they took me in when they found out i got kicked out of our place.
some of them could relate cause that 's how they got started.
you say they could have done better than be what they ended up in.
easy to say. hey, some people today do worse.
anyway, it was to be a short stay. their "handler" found out and shot us out of their "house" early one morning.
yes. a couple of trees helped in our getaway and saved us from the gunshots fired at us.
ordinary trees, just.
i have never thought of prostitutes other than people who just don't have the same kind of luck we all were given.

i'll cut short to the next incident where trees made me do a turnaround.

my dad had given up on me. nothing he did worked to make me give up my "friends".
one day, instead of the usual screaming he just walked me out to our front yard where there were a couple of trees and a lot of smaller plants.

he admitted he was tired of me and his scoldings. i was a hopeless case.
(i finished high school and college and never attended graduation ceremonies which most parents look forward to. what for ? that was the end of the show, like the credits you see at the end of a film. now don't you guys walk out when they come along ?)

anyway, my dad then told me the trees and the plants around us were in a lot better shape than i was. they were stuck in the ground and yet each day they were able to do something with themselves and their situation. oh yeah, of course, it's the only way they'll survive.

but back to my dad. he said they were better off because they had something, leaves a-borning and a-falling, flowers and fruits showing. compared to nothing i could show for my daily, nightly excursions, incursions.

don't ask - it got to me. after he left i made up my mind i was going to finish school and get out of his face. after all he also told me he would still pay for my college education ( as well as for my four siblings. yes he did - debt-free.)

flash forward. when i was finally able to buy some land for my own home, first thing i had done was have some trees planted.

years later. were it not for the sight of those trees on the small plot of land, i would have sold it and not have the house i have on it now.

today, i think of my dad as another tree. he, inspite of our issues, has turned out to be a tree of sorts, holding us all together.

and so, every morning that i wake up, my eyes see the tall trees outside my bedroom window.
they seem to have followed me around from that time in my "friends'" yard as well as ours.

and, yes, Tony, the trees you are planting may well be enclosing me after i've breathed my last.

thanks Ton. let me thank you for all those people you say won't know you had planted trees which would outlive you, us.

they may just be trees.

you see me today and you wouldn't think i had done some wild things.
i'm sure you know some people who have similar experiences and you wouldn't know.
i know how you feel Ton.
you are dead on about those trees.
given the chance, they would be mute witnesses to the follies of man.

Mortality

2008-01-15T08:15:00.000-06:00

found out about a friend's death last night.

brought back a lot of good memories as well as reminded me of our mortality.

everyone knew him as DonDon and appreciated him for his sparky personality and creativity.

we met while working for a bank in a desert kingdom. he found me.
a colleague at the bank told me i should meet him cause i somehow reminded him of Don.
for one we were taller than our compatriots.
and i think because i had a nasty sense of humor, much like Don, when a need for such humor arose.
we worked in different areas and we wouldn't have met had he not made the first move.
i'm glad he did.
for over the time i spent with him, he would provide me, as well as those who knew him much needed comic relief for the very restrictive lifestyle the kingdom enforced on everyone,
and more.

below are some of the memories of him i have and will continue to carry.

once, late at night he walked into a supermarket in shorts. no, you don't do that in public in this kingdom, men and specially women. got away with it. never did it again.

clogged up a kitchen so that the landlord would get some needed repairs done on the apartment he shared with a friend. he got found out and he and his friend moved out at the end of their lease. yes, we three found ourselves a better apartment and shared living arrangements for quite a long bit of time. i have not regretted doing so.

liked blue and white ceramics. yeah, for a while, i bought some. but he just had to have them all the time.

usually found a use for ordinary things for either decorative or utilitarian purposes.

gave good parties or had good ideas for them.

he termed women lacking in good looks "simpatica" after an embarrassing situation at a party.

never threw away leftover food until it had spoiled. said he learned it from his mom who told him it would bring bad luck as there are people somewhere who don't have the luxury of having enough food to get them thru the day.

taught me about his views on karma.
he believed whatever good or bad deeds you do would come back to affect you the same way, maybe doubled. ( i learned "every action has an equal and opposite reaction" from my high school physics class, and much more.)
don did as many good deeds as he could not thinking about whether he would get the same back.

gave one of my sisters a gold ring which she still wears everyday and which still gets "nice ring, where did you get that" comments from people who notice it. (they just met once when Don was on one of his annual vacations.)

he sometimes wore different colored or patterned socks not because he was setting a style trend. happened either because he was in a rush or he was dressing up in the dark.
how did i find out ? i called him at work once to tell him about my own booboo and he told me how often he did so.

one time he teased someone about getting a cat so he could practice for the eventuality of bachelorhood in his older days. don saw this colleague sitting in a rocking chair stoking a cat on his lap. yes, the guy took offense as he said he didn't have any plans of going thru life alone.
(i don't know if he has married. such is life, we move on and away from people who can't take our jokes.)

and the first gulf war. we were there.
the first time saddam's army sent in one of their bombs, we found ourselves sitting beside each other outside one of the apartment's bathrooms.
we were having coffee and cigarettes (typical of us then, i no longer smoke now) waiting for the effects of that bomb, (which fell a few miles away from us).
i told him that, worst case scenario, if he survived that bombing or any following it, to please tell my folks i was thinking about them to the last moment. and he asked me to do the same for him.

we both survived. and i am still here.

and such is life. people dear to us pass away and we're left with the memories.
we move on. we have to, like it or not.
i know. i started losing dear ones early on.
i'm still here, still hoping that i would grow old with people dear to me.
if not, then i just would like to be around to help people left behind move on.

and so, mortality.
we always forget that we could be gone anytime.
i'm guilty of it. we all are.
i wonder how it's gonna come for me.
truth is no matter how you want to, it will just happen.
we have no control over it.
but we can control how we live our life and how we affect the lives of people dear to us.
and the best thing we can do is to make it easy for them while we are able and when we're gone.
that's a good eulogy you can leave behind.

Flying brings out words starting with the letter 'S'

2007-12-20T20:43:00.000-06:00

stranded.
stupid.
shameful.

if nothing stupid happens, life would be boring.
if the character or characters in a book don't do something stupid, there would be no story worth reading.
so i thought while waiting for a plane to take me to a family holiday reunion.

got stranded this week for 10 hours at one of Texas' bigger airports, and not because of a weather related issue. got stranded due to the ineptitude of a flight crew of one of the supposedly bigger and better airlines in the USA. they didn't update their flight log and the subsequent crew flying the plane just didn't want to do so for safety reasons. and no, we, the passengers, were not told until we were about to take off.

i couldn't help but write about it. i thought about complaining about the incident with the airline's management but what for ? it's not going to change anything that's already happened. or maybe it will for other passengers on its future flights.

i have to laud the pilot, who happened to be a woman, finally flying us to our destination, for telling us exactly why we were not able to fly earlier. it was the same plane we were supposed to be flying on. but the earlier flight crews gave us "mechanical issues" as the reason we could not leave as scheduled. yes folks, two flight crews twisted the truth so they could hide the ineptitude of their fellows.

i know, it's galling. they didn't have the decency to be up-front about the problem. then they didn't even have the decency to alleviate our inconvenience - zif, nada.
after all, they already had our money.

they claim they're not profitable. but they continue to operate and continue to lack a better excuse to give us when they make mistakes. or compensate us for putting up with their mistakes.

i look at it this way. let the other passengers complain.

here's my complaint and take it as you want to. the airline is american airlines.

i'll try my best not to fly on them again. and when people ask me why i'll recount this unexcusable event. word of mouth is a worse way of death.

yes, you would have heard a lot of foul words starting with the letter 's' coming out of my mouth during the incident but i thought it wasn't the worst thing that could have happened.
it was just a temporary inconvenience.
a co-passenger put it to me this way : he would rather have the problem on the ground than up in the air.
yes, i got lucky and got stuck with some of the nicest people who decided to be civil about it, show their best behaviour and it made all the difference.
so to them i pass on my thanks, as well as to the pilot who told us, as well as showed us, what the "real" problem was.

and, yes, there are a lot of good words which start with the letter 's'

s . . . . .

s . . . .

s . . .

A Sunday Sermon

2007-11-12T08:40:00.000-06:00

yes, i go to church on sundays. that is, when i can.
and lately, it's been almost every sunday.
i have to be honest - i'm a "lapsed" catholic, if there is one.
i've questioned my faith, some of the Catholic Church's practices, but not enough to be a heretic.

occasionally a priest's sermon would touch a nerve in me as so happened yesterday.
my sister nudged me when the priest mentioned something about family issues.
yes, our family has its share.
the priest was right in saying that some of the "crosses we carry" are self made,
self imposed.

i thought he was right in saying that we could resolve some of our issues by ourselves,
no need for third party intervention.
it's a matter of admitting or realizing our errors and doing something about it before it's too late for any resolution.
it's a matter of letting go of our self inflicted pain and accepting things we can't control or change.
and moving forward.

the sermon i heard yesterday was something i had to, i was meant to hear.
(we could have gone to a different church, but my almost 5 year old niece wanted us to go to this church, this particular sunday. and she has no idea of our family issues.)

it provided a moment of clarity, of looking at an issue or situation in a different light.
it made me consider "what ifs" and "why nots".
as well as reminded me that some wounds take time to heal.

just a sunday sermon.

Put It Out There

2007-11-11T06:02:00.000-06:00

put it out there. and i don't mean or refer to your garbage. far from it, please.
i'm talking about your dreams, your thoughts - the good ones mainly.

it all starts with a thought.
most of the time followed by a "why not ?" rather than by a "why ?".
only later on will it be followed by "what made you think that ?" or "how did you think it up ?".
if you had thought about the follow up questions first, you'd end up not doing anything about your thought (or idea, or whatever you would like to call your epiphany of sorts).

but really, i woke up early this morning wanting to go to the bathroom. moments later my head just started churning out thoughts and you're reading (one of) them now.

put it out there.
sometimes you can and sometimes you can't. you sometimes have to hold on to a thought because it may not sound right or because of "timing" issues and concerns.
and sometimes you just have to put it out there and just go with the wind that takes it where it goes.

put it out there.
and go with the magic of it working the way you imagined it, whatever it is.
i've seen it happen. i've done it a number of times. geez, you've done it so many times.
that sudden instinct to do something, no thoughts required.
sometimes it's a hunger. sometimes it's an itch.
sometimes it's just something you have to do.
and sometimes they're not new imaginings.
or they may even be someone else's.

put it out there.
if you have to pray about it, go ahead.
i believe in prayers being answered. but be prepared.
not all prayers are answered immediately.
but they are, if you believe.
not in the way you want or in the way you imagined.
just be prepared.
life is filled with surprises - some pleasant, some not.
but it's all worth it.

put it out there. be surprised.

GO !

Sponges

2007-11-10T18:07:00.000-06:00

i've noticed how people would sometimes ask me "how did you find out ?" or "how did you know ?" whenever i would tell them something they didn't know about or they didn't know i knew about.

you have time to do that ? is a common thing i would hear after i tell them i found out from the newspaper or read it online or heard it on the radio.

it's easy. i just notice things. it's all out there if you just paid a bit of attention, sometimes you don't even have to.

it's also sponge-like behaviour. we're sponges.
we have a tendency to pick up things by osmosis, just like plants.
it's how we were when we were kids.
notice the way you talk, or walk or what you eat and think.
you picked most of it up from the people you grew up with.
it's repetitive behaviour.
before you know it, you become like them or become one of them.

scary, but true. we'd like to think of ourselves as higher forms of being.
but we do things at a baser level.
we really have to think about how we do things or why.
we want to protect a way of life, of seeing and doing things.
we may deny it as much as we want to.
but when you turn on the radio or television, or read the front pages of the newspapers or your chosen webpage, you will see how much people everywhere are doing the same thing, operating at the same level of intelligence or intolerance.

we're all the same - sponges.

and wonder not when someone asks you why you think or act a certain way or why you know certain things and adhere to certain truths. you've sponged off your elders' way of life and thinking and watch out how your kids will turn out.

Serendipity

2007-11-05T03:43:00.000-06:00

Serendipity.

just finished reading Mitch Albom's For One More Day. it's about one "ordinary" day anyone might yearn for to make good with and/or seek forgiveness from a "lost" loved one.

i learned about the book while reading someone's blog last week.

soon after i tried to get a copy on Amazon but put it off thinking it was just another unnecessary expense.

the one i just read was borrowed from the local library yesterday after i accompanied my niece to return and borrow some books. take note - i wasn't thinking about borrowing the book. i just found it while browsing while i was waiting for my niece.

this past saturday's local paper, the Austin American-Statesman, carried an article in its Life and Arts section about an austin-based writer named Edmund "Bud" Shrake.

in it, the article's writer (Patrick Beach), started his piece by mentioning Mr. Shrake's mystical experience which occurred in September 2001. he had surgery on a cancerous tumor in a kidney. after getting medication for his pain, he had what he calls an "after-life experience".

he woke up in intensive care. one of his visitors, a former nurse, found him "dead" and revived him with cpr. he was told that he was "dead" for several minutes.

during the time he was out, Mr. Shrake remembers realizing he had a soul. he found out that life is the gasoline that runs y/our engine and death is right there, just like your elbow. he also realized that the universe is made of bits of information and that the universe is no fluke.

Mr. Albom's book is about death and dying too. and on an ordinary saturday afternoon i just happen to read about the subject from two unrelated sources: one factual and one supposedly fictional.

what strikes me most out of these recent readings is what the other author (Mr. Shrake) had to say about the universe being made up of bits of information.

Serendipity.

makes me wonder less about why i blog or why i read other people's blogs.

Expressions

2007-11-02T07:33:00.000-05:00

expressions.
that's how i perceive the blogs i've come across so far.
expressions of how their writers feel about whatever they wake up to, who they wake up with and what they eventually end up sleeping with (or on).

expressions of joy, of love, of fear, of sadness, of disgust, of anger.
we certainly have a lot to say if given the chance.
yeah, been reading a bit of the blogs out there.
some get to me in a good way.
some just turn me off, disgust me.
and so i walk away.

i'm sorry i can't satisfy the voyeurs out there.
i won't let you know about the people in my life.
or why, or how they are in it.
i will leave you with my own personal expressions.
that's all i will share and thank you for letting me share in yours.

Differences and Disappointments

2007-10-31T09:35:00.000-05:00

this is my fourth posting on this blog.

i thought about using numbers for each post but i'll probably do that later after i've used up the letters of the english alphabet. i have to think up or think of something to write about now everytime i do a posting. it's still going to be random. (I'm already wondering what titles to use for the letters Q, X and Z. Oh joy !)

i guess i should have started my first posting with Aspirations, as in what i am aiming for with this blog. (gee, aiming starts with the letter A too !)

anyway, its differences and disappointments for now, as in differences in attitudes, opinions, taste,etc. can lead to disappointments.

i was lying in bed last night and got to think about why we never can please everybody.
i wouldn't even think of trying - it's bound to be the most frustrating and futile (now i have probable titles for the letter F), and in some instances - hurtful, thing you could even consider doing. (yeah, i felt bad about something someone said. it wasn't WHAT was said but HOW it was said. and yes, i got over my bad feelings. you'll soon see how.)

we need approval. and if not everyone approves of how we do things or live our life, tough.
so be it. no use beating yourself up or the disapprovers.

the most i can do and will do, if i eventually prove myself wrong, is apologize and make things (or feelings) right, if i could.

that said, i'd like to share with whoever reads this, the words to a song i heard years ago, growing up, which is one of the things which i easily recall whenever i feel i have let someone down.

it's a song done by herb alpert, to me one of the best trumpet players. and as i remember, it was titled Polyanna. i haven't been able to find it in any of his records or CDs in the market or online. but i swear i am not making this up.

so here are some of the lines from the song and i hope you agree with me too that it's a good rebound to give anyone whose expectations of us we have failed to live up to.

Pollyanna

why should you be disappointed in me
i disagree with your point of view
i don't just exist in your life
i also exist in my life
and just like a tree, it belongs
i belong
you never would question a tree
whatever i do i'd be faithful to you
i have to be true to myself as well.

and it goes on except that i don't remember the rest of it.

the words summarize for me how i would like a relationship to work. we would always have our differences and disagreements. we could lessen our disappointments if we also remember that we also make mistakes and misjudgements. it doesn't have to be just with your significant other but also with your parents, siblings and friends.

Constipated (or another term for . . .)

2007-10-30T09:43:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not constipated. not the the way the word is commonly used or understood.
the other meaning i have for it came up while my hairstylist and i were talking about some of the people she encounters in her business.

they go around with their noses up in the air. i said they must be "stuck up", unable to move __it when they're supposed to. so they have to hold their noses higher than the rest of us cause they have to smell their stuck up __ap. yes, she laughed at my insight.
and so i told her that it would be a good idea to use the word "constipated" for people who act like they were, even if they were just being their __itty selves.

heck, we're all the same - we all bleed when wounded, shed the same salty stuff when we cry.
but we have traits unique to each of us, we react differently to similar situations which prevent us from being robots.

so maybe it's just a "constipated" person's way of letting out (or lashing out at) some "injustice" thrust upon them. hey if you really get constipated, you'd feel a certain way too.

so there, next time you encounter a foul acting, foul mooded person, it's not about you but that person's way of reacting to some issue/s (you ?)

gotta go, gotta work on someone's issues.

Children as Teachers

2007-10-29T10:35:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning and among the first thoughts I had was about the things we can learn from children.

They don't have to be our children. And they don't have to be of a certain age.

But it's better if they are in their pre-school to primary levels. They have an unbiased view of things and their insights are fresh and new. After you think you have answered their "why" questions they sometimes would follow that up with their "why nots" or "why can'ts". Then you would have an interesting conversation if you either have or find the time.

They're not questioning authority or intelligence or opinion. They just want to know why and not why you think so. Some times you will have the anwers, sometimes you won't and sometimes will have to think hard to come up with an answer. It becomes a two way street as you also learn from them.

It becomes more interesting as children grow up into adulthood. The questions lessen as they begin to learn from other people as well as from other sources.

I'll leave it at this, for now - I'm still learning. Yeah, both my parents are still alive and I hope I'm still able to teach them a thing or two.

And, careful what you teach your children. If you're lucky, they would be looking after you in your old age.

The First Step

2007-10-28T21:59:00.000-05:00

So, I have taken the first step - I've started my blog.
I can now post my day's thoughts and share it with those whom I just used to read
and possibly get their comments as well.

Why the blog title ?
A friend recently commented that I seemed to respond to her e-mails so fast and that made her call me "kidlat", the Tagalog term for lightning.
I told some friends and one of them started referring to me as "kidlat".

So, tonight as I was deciding on a name for my blog, it was what came to mind.
And here it is.

I'll be posting the random thoughts - nice, bad, dirty, cool, funny, sad, thought-provoking
which pop into my head as well as lines I may read or hear in the course of the day.