It happened soon after my mom passed. I was the first in our family to see her body at the funeral home. I did not expect that I would be the one. I guess it was just meant to be. One of brothers in law had told me of how traumatizing it could be. Because for him it was a moment when you finally come to grips with your loved one's death. You know for sure that he or she is gone - forever.
I arrived at the funeral home where the funeral director led me to where my mom was and found the florist and his assistant still working on the floral arrangements. They left to allow me some private time with my mom.
And so it happened. I found myself alone with her in a coffin. Surreal, not really.
I took a good look at her while holding her hands.
What was surreal was the moment when I realized what the words forever and eternally meant.
My mom was gone - physically. But she would live and be with me forever, till I have my memory intact. That was the first time evrything I had heard about those two words made perfect sense to me and I finally undertood what they meant.
And so I "spoke" to my mom, said my goodbye and told her things which I could only say to her and know she'd understand. I remember telling her that I'd be seeing her, maybe not so soon, then again, maybe not. I told her I'd be fine. And then I said a prayer for her.
I turned around and found I had been alone in the room with her. The funeral director and the florists had closed the room behind me and I didn't notice that they did. So I opened the door and let them in. They uttered their condolences, the florists firt and then the funeral director.
Okay, here's where a fun part begins. Just soon after the funeral director said his words of condolence, I told him that the body in the coffin was not my mom.
I meant to say that it was just the body of my mom, not the mom I had known and spent a life with. But of course it sounded different to him.
You should have seen the look on his face change from one of feeling empathy for me to one of "oh, no ! then whose body is that one of ?"
I immediately noticed it and told him what I really meant. And then of course, his demeanor slowly returned to what it was earlier, if not showing a sign of relief. After all, I had told him so calmly "that's not my mom !"
And I kind of felt bad for making him "freak out", even if it was for a minute or less. I offered to get him a drink, if he was old enough to get an alcoholic one. He looked pretty young to be one. And he told me that he was really old enough, early 20's, and that he got into the job early on.
I explained to him what I meant and told him that I thought he might have been in similar situations he had just found himself in. I'm sure he'd see more if he stays in the the same job.
But during those moments I spent with my mom, taking it in by myself, evrything made sense to me and there was indeed that Moment of Clarity, that moment where I seemed to have lost my fear of the uncertainty of life. I realized that one day it would come to me, it would be my turn to leave behind the life I am living now and just be "no one"
